Thursday, May 15, 2008

Being the One Without Kids Part 2

A little while back I wrote a post about how I was getting used to being the one with out kids. Today, I am not feeling that. For the past two evenings, I have spent dinner with 2 seperate groups of friends (high school and bookclub) and 95% of the talk was about their kids. Last night, I actually wanted to cry because all I could do was sit there and listen about camp, summer scheduling, strollers, poop, music lessons and I don't know what else. The thing is, I do understand, really I do. Kids are a HUGE part of their life and when you get together with friends, isn't that what you talk about, your life? It was just so frustrating that anything that goes on with me, wasn't relatable to them at all and it's not like I lead a very exciting life. I get this feeling that anyone with kids just sees me as...less or a 'before kids' version of friend. I don't have kids so my life must not be as difficult, I don't have kids so I must have all this free time to dance around naked or something more frivilous. Maybe it is all just in my head. Maybe I am just feeling sorry for myself. I don't know.

I do know, I miss having meaningful book discussions at my bookclub, I miss having my friends talking about things other than their kids. I am jealous of that new bond my friends seemed to have formed with each other, that Mommy-bond. I can't compete and I am not sure what to do about it.

Sorry for the bit of a downer post but I really felt like bursting into tears last night in the middle of dinner. I spent some time trying to figure out if I got a bad batch of Prozac or I was really just upset.

Also, for the record, I love reading blogs about your families and I do truly love my friends with kids.


Tiffany said...

This is such a tough one. While I do have a child, I only have one. So I often feel like "less" of a mommy cause I don't know what it's like to "handle multiples." (Never mind the fact that I own a camp with 400 kids a day.)

My sister is livin' child-free and finds herself in the same predicament you describe. Wanting to connect on something besides KIDS.

I think you'll find as their kids get older, the excessive focus on them will start to diminish... it definitely has for me. You are ready to get back to having a brain that focuses on things BESIDES your offspring and all their antics.

Can you bring it up at your book club? We have made a point in mine not to talk about kids, just the book at hand.... and men.

Guess Who? said...

Heya Jen! Long time reader, first time poster. ;) I have to tell you, I was the same exact way when my brother and sister had their kids. I thought "enough already!" Then I had kids and joined in with the kids talk. But I will say this, when the guys and their wives get together it's not all kids talk; maybe it decreases as the kids get older. I dunno. But I've been there too.

Anonymous said...

I completely understand. I'm in the same boat.

Everyone else = kids and hubby
Me = neither

Whilst this is normally not a problem... there are some moments where it just gets to be too much. I chalk it up to our innate desire to be like and included by everyone else... where dissimilarities are looked down on.

But then I look at the brighter side and find all the things I, only I, can bring to the group because of my single/childless-ness. And there are much needed perspectives from that venue. And I'm not one to let them down!

Sorry you felt bad.

Muffy Willowbrook said...

I totally feel your pain. I don't have kids either, and when conversations drift towards the inevitable, I don't know what to do with myself. And to be honest - I don't know if we'll ever have kids. It may just not be in our cards. But I am lucky enough to have a few single gal pals who don't have kids either. It keeps me sane. But I have definitely been that "before kids" version of a friend - many times.

BS5 Blogger said...

Whhhhhhhhoaaa, honey-bunny I think you are just having a cloudy day! You need some BS5 positivity!

First of all I can empathise with you. All of my friends are married, together or in relationships, and I am not. That's just a fact but I totally love seeing them all, and only very rarely have any issue about the fact that I am single at the mo', and other than a fine time dating a great woman for 4 months last year have been for ages.

If your friendships are strong that's all you need. They certainly won't see you as a less than friend, I am sure! I know my mates don't in my case. Just coz they have kids it shouldn't be so different as to make you tearful.

Tiffany makes a good point about the kids getting older and I agree but have no experience of that.

What you could do of course is *actually* dance naked round the house. Could we get a picture? At least you would know you had then cheered everyone up!

And of course you could have a once a month club at your house where they come to you without the kids and have a 'we're more than 3 feet tall club' and do adult stuff.

There is nothing you have to compete against, girl!

Hope you really feel better soon. not cool to see you :(

scargosun said...

Thanks guys. I just blew out a sigh of relief getting it off my chest and getting back your feedback. :)

Smiling once again.

scargosun said...

...also wondering who "guess who" is....


BS5 Blogger said...

Yeah, that sounded like a fun little mystery!

Shelby said...

I'm a little ticked that you apologized at the end to your friends with kids. If they can't be sensitive to the fact that you can't participate in kid-talk, than you shouldn't be sensitive to their rudeness. Feel me? Especially at book club...where you go to talk about books. Don't feel sad, your life is just as chat-worthy. And if nothing else, your blog friends are hear to read all about it!

Carrie said...

Girl, I can't believe I missed this one. Let me weigh in ...

Haven't known you long BUT (and you must have noticed my big but) why didn't you chime in on these topics. You've got your own poop to talk about, woman! You've got some serious thought about hurlin' too!

It was just a bad batch of meds and I know this guy, Guido, he's out your way ... I can so hook you up with him ;)

Sue said...

I have heard this all before from my sister. She once was a nanny and made friends with the other moms. Now, she and the other moms go out to dinner once a month. Sometimes she would come home and say, she just was so tired about hearing about their kids' stuff. She didn't love them any less, she just felt like she had nothing to add.

In turn, this has made me more sensitive about talking exclusively about my 'lovelies'. I definitely agree that as the kids get older, you can see the light of day again and talk about things other than pooping, puking and drooling.

I do wish book clubs would talk about the books. Some of my friends go to one that should be called wine club. Hmm, maybe I would be more interested in that?

My only advice is, don't dance around naked when your husband is home unless you really are ready to join the "mommy club". Just wanting to fit in, is not a good reason to join.

When we get together this summer, I promise I will only talk about "fine" wines(as in not box wines), good books, me and probably some more of me. Cheered up yet?

Mama Dawg said...

Is it friends with small kids? When mine was younger, I talked about her a LOT. But as she gets older, not so much. Not because I don't like her but because I finally exited out of that "baby world" and back to the real world. I find that I talk more now about other things than I do my kid. Although I'm the first to brag when she does something incredible!!!


Lula! said...

Delurking to say that while I adore/worship/can't live without my 2 girls, I can have a conversation that doesn't revolve around them. Or children at all. Because my husband and I have made it a point that our daughters know that they have not "made" our family...they've added to it. As hard as it is to say (and live out), I am a wife FIRST. And a mother second. We have very dear friends who do not have children and never will...but we do not call them our "friends without kids." We call them our "very dear friends." Nothing more, nothing less.

I love my mommy bloggers, but I also love to read things from another perspective. One of my favorite bloggers is childless and travels all over the place...I live vicariously through her! (The travel part--not the no kids part!)