Tuesday, July 8, 2008

WARNING: Expletives in this Post

I almost shit myself today.

No joke. I could totally feel my intestines tightening and pressurizing. I worried about the fact that I have on khaki pants, cotton undies and I would not have time to go home and change before my shift (look how close those two words are in their spelling) at Lottery Yarn. I worried about the fact that my car already smells b/c of the water leaking from my A/C on to the carpet and the inhuman humidity and temperatures not allowing it to dry without mildew. The panic was about to come out of my ass and I was trying my best to hold it in.

The person, and I use that term loosely, I am dealing with where the event is to be held tried to tell me it could not start until 6pm. My invites say 5pm. My catering contract says 5pm and my property contract says I have it from 4pm to midnight. This is not my first issue with 'her' and it's 5 days before the event.

Tension builds, there were words exchanged, heated at that, and in swept my angel, Toni (cue gleaming lights and angelic 'aaaaaahhhhhhh'). He is the co-owner of the caterers I am using, Jeffrey Miller Catering. He flew in and made it all ok. We are back on track for a 5pm start.

I still have to work tonight but I just might make it though the day now without killing anyone or shitting myself.

Oh, and I am out of Prozac.

24 comments:

Philly said...

So glad no shitting occured, in your pants that is..

#1

Mama Dawg said...

Oh, honey, just go grab one of those bottles of wine you know you have at home and just keep it handy to swig from. It'll definately make for some interesting decisions!

Lula! said...

I'm with Mama Dawg here...drink you some wine. With a couple of Commodium A-Ds. All will be right as rain.

Lula! said...

p.s. Let us know how the big event goes...

Suburbia said...

Sounds kind of tricky!
Try wareing something 'thicker'
around your rear tomorrow (!!) and just remember its nearly time for your holiday or should I say vacation?!

Judy Haley said...

I suppose saying "this too will pass" wouldn't help any...

shitty days really suck. I hope tomorrow is better for you.

BS5 Blogger said...

Hey Miss America, I am glad you are okay, I think!

Keep going with your angels, girl!

It will all come right without recourse to new garments....

Love from BS5 x

:)

Lindsay said...

Going with Judy's idea, I think it almost DID pass, and at an unfortunate time, too!

Not to laugh. I've had times like that, too. God bless IBS...

Good luck at the old LY. The day will be done soon, and can be softly drunk to sleep.

Queen Mommy said...

Vitamin P! Keep it comin' darling!

Glad all worked out with the event.

Holy Geography Batman, did you know that Kathy and I are NEIGHBORS???!!!!!

Margie Blystone said...

Shhhh, don't tell anyone *looks around* but it's happened to me, 'nuff said.

AFRo said...

Holy crap. LOL. Xanax anyone?

Los said...

My one friend shit himself while jogging one day ... it was one of the funniest stories I've ever heard ... maybe someday I'll share.

KathyLikesPink said...

I'll hide the sharp objects!

gaining some lb's said...

Well I am glad all went well :)
Esp the not crapping yourself part.
That's always a plus



peace
#2

Candid Carrie said...

Is that all you got? An almost shit story? Ask me about the time I shit on the bathroom wall at ShopKo. Now that's a story!

KimmyJ said...

LMAO!! I am glad there was no public $hitting going on!!

Selfish Bastard said...

there are just some things i dont want to read about, but like a train wreck with fatalities, i cant-look-away.

Jen said...

great bowel control. that would have freaked anyone out.

Apple Joos said...

Thanks for stopping by today! The dang dog was fine. Doesn't that just figure?

Tootsie Farklepants said...

This post needed way more f-bombs.

p.s. I first typed "bongs". Maybe you could have used some of those too.

:)

Sidney said...

Drinking some wine for you (aren't I thoughtful?) and oh so glad you didn't release your bowels.....

Sue said...

Good Lord, how are the bowels holding up 1 day later?
Your mantra for the next week and 1/2 needs to be Cape Cod!

Well, that and some wine and some ice cream ought to help.

Heather said...

I'm stressed out just reading this!! I hope life has calmed back down. Poopy pants are no good. Noooooo good at all.

Snooty Primadona said...

OMG! I want a dozen of those little swan thingys at the caterer's website.

I understand the stress thing. Mine is all in my guts, every time. And I'm a worrier too. Neither one is good for the digestive system.

Just keep chanting V A C A T I O N.