Monday, May 3, 2010

In Dreams

I had killer migraine this morning. Usually they go away after I medicate but not today. I don't usually dream when I try to sleep away the pain but today I had a very vivid dream, one that squeezed my heart almost dry of tears. I dreamed of my Dad.

It was daytime, the sky was blue and I was on a ladder of some sort. I saw my Dad walking towards me talking as if he had not been dead for seven years. He was wearing a light green shirt, shorts and his glasses. He was directing me where to go to buy a computer. All I wanted to do was hug him and hold him close. I had to say 'Dad' a could times to get him to stop talking. Then I looked at him and said, "Can I please have a hug?" He looked a little odd as if the question surprised him. It was as if he didn't really get that he had been gone for so long. He opened his arms and hugged me. I was holding on to tight and just started bawling uncontrollably, no speaking. I remember the tears being hot and getting on his shirt. Somewhere in the background someone said, "She is grieving." I just wanted to hold on. He was warm, like he'd been in the sun. I remember his smell and just being safe, no worries for a few moments. When I woke up, I was on my side, my arms were wrapped around me and they were almost numb from I guess squeezing so hard. I was surprised that my eyes were dry because of the crying. I just wanted to go back to sleep and go back. Even now as I write this, I am crying.

I forget the grief sometimes and the anger at not having him in my life. It's days like this that hit me like a ton of bricks. I am never sure after wards if I feel better or worse.


Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Oh this is so sad. I'm sure I can't say anything to make you feel better, but I hope you will take something nice away from this dream. It's what I try to do when I dream about my mother.


Laura Ingalls Gunn said...

Oh it is indeed SO hard.

I went to go dial my moms number this weekend. Unfortunately her line doesn't reach to heaven.

I simply forgot.

Los said...

It's bitter-sweet, I guess ... but it's nice to have that feeling, even if it is in your dreams.

Snooty Primadona said...

It's good that you have such fond, warm memories of him. I have found that if I cry in a dream, there are no tears until a few minutes of coming out of the dream. Then, the dam bursts. Weird.

My doctor has me take my migraine meds at night for some reason. Maybe that would help...