I am entering into the worst part of the year for me. March looms in front of me and I know what it holds; depression, fighting, tears...
It happens every year, even when I was on meds it happened. I feel like a snake working so hard to rid myself of the old skin so that I can emerge happy, healthy and ready for anything and I just can't get it off. It gets to the point that it feels like it is suffocating and all I can do us curl into a ball and do nothing. When I get like this I can't write, I can't focus on a project and I snap at anyone who comes too close.
I can tell its coming not only because of the calendar but because I have been trying, little by little to clean up the office so that I can actually sit down and write (and maybe get back a few people that have stopped following me) and read all my favorite blogs. I just get so overwhelmed when I walk into that room. I feel like I can't move. It's getting harder and harder to spend time in there when I want it to be the exact opposite. I want it to be the room I go to to write or read. I want it to be the room that is comfortable yet orderly enough to be used as an actual office (no help from paper hoarder husband there).
I have visions of the curtains softly floating in the breeze, me at the computer a cup of tea close by and maybe some music playing in the background. Right now it's cold, papers all over one of the desks like a dirty drift of snow and the bed from the guest room because SOMEONE hasn't finished painting (5 months ago started) that particular room. Between being overwhelmed by my emotions and the chaos in that room I just want to hide under the bed.
So, please understand that if I am not blogging, it's not because I am not thinking about it...it's because I am under the bed and I don't have an internet connection there.