Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Losing The Battle

I am entering into the worst part of the year for me. March looms in front of me and I know what it holds; depression, fighting, tears...

It happens every year, even when I was on meds it happened. I feel like a snake working so hard to rid myself of the old skin so that I can emerge happy, healthy and ready for anything and I just can't get it off. It gets to the point that it feels like it is suffocating and all I can do us curl into a ball and do nothing. When I get like this I can't write, I can't focus on a project and I snap at anyone who comes too close.

I can tell its coming not only because of the calendar but because I have been trying, little by little to clean up the office so that I can actually sit down and write (and maybe get back a few people that have stopped following me) and read all my favorite blogs. I just get so overwhelmed when I walk into that room. I feel like I can't move. It's getting harder and harder to spend time in there when I want it to be the exact opposite. I want it to be the room I go to to write or read. I want it to be the room that is comfortable yet orderly enough to be used as an actual office (no help from paper hoarder husband there).

I have visions of the curtains softly floating in the breeze, me at the computer a cup of tea close by and maybe some music playing in the background. Right now it's cold, papers all over one of the desks like a dirty drift of snow and the bed from the guest room because SOMEONE hasn't finished painting (5 months ago started) that particular room. Between being overwhelmed by my emotions and the chaos in that room I just want to hide under the bed.

So, please understand that if I am not blogging, it's not because I am not thinking about it...it's because I am under the bed and I don't have an internet connection there.

25 comments:

Mama Dawg said...

I'll still be here no matter what.

Off the Derech said...

Feel better soon.

Capricorn said...

I was hoping the further i read you would tell us exactly what was wrong......but i didnt catch that anywhere...it couldve just been me though.

I hope you feel better, i miss your posts, and im thinking of people to send to your island daily, which makes me slightly crazy, but my friends are used to that.

TSannie said...

Hope things smooth out for you sooner than later. Thinking of you.

John Deere Mom said...

Well that sucks. Hope you get over your funk soon!

Los said...

Hang in there, Scargosun - it'll get better and spring will be here before you know it.

KDLOST said...

hope you feel better soon!

Jen said...

I Hope that you can state winning your battle soon.

Sue said...

Jen, Sorry that you are feeling so down! Guess what? Daylight savings is March 8th this year! Yippee!!!!! That's got to help a little, right? March does suck, but if it is sunnier for more hours a day, I am happier!

A late winter funk is not going to scare me away from following you! Think about what trouble we can get in this summer!!!

Jennifer P. said...

I think so many of us are waiting for that Spring light.

Blessings to you.

MissKris said...

I agree with Capricorn, about reading further to see what's wrong, but sometimes it's better to just be cryptic and write, even if our reading public has no clue why. Just getting it out helps. I've had a few of those myself over the years while I've been blogging. I haven't been by in a long time. I haven't been much of anywhere in a long time! So I've been doing some catching up. Between time being my enemy and a computer internet server that is JUNK...I'm disconnected more often than connected...some evenings I come on here and can't get on no matter what. We think we finally have that glitch figured out after a month or so. I haven't been able to call during the day because of the grandbabies, and the server can only be called weekdays during business hours. So Daughter finally took the bull by the horns and called on Monday, her day off. She was on the phone forever, so it's a good thing she could do it. It's BETTER...still not perfect, but what in life is? Hope you get to feeling better soon...depression is the pits.

Lula! said...

Why does blogger eat my comments? WHY OH WHY?

I am under the bed with you.

Actually I'm in the abyss. Not to drag you down further with me, but have you heard the latest about a movie near and dear to both our hearts?

Remind me to tell you when we're both out from under the bed.

This Mom said...

You don't need to go in the office. Just get a lap top with a wirelss card and you WRITE from under you nice safe bed.

Don't orry spring and sunshine are just around the corner.

asthmagirl said...

Take all the time you need. These things that are hard now will become a joy again.

Feel better soon.

Superwoman said...

BIG HUG!

Need anything? I'm here.

=)

Debbie said...

I'm an infrequent visitor. Shame on me. You won't lose the battle. I promise. We're all out in the field with you having our own crap going on too. It's the yucky raining snowy cold winter blanket covering us up. We got the blahs, no energy. We just have to be patient and wait it out. Start noticing ANY sign of Spring. I'm looking around at house stuff that has been waiting FIVE YEARS. 5 months? I win LOL.

Hang in there hon. We're with you and I'm sending you hugs from NC. No it won't help, but eventually we'll feel better! Promise!

Mama Kat said...

:( I'd like to crawl under the bed with you too...maybe we can smuggle some chocolate and steal someones wireless connection while we're down there??

BS5 Blogger said...

Hi Scargosun - positive thoughts and some hugs from this side of the pond!

L.R. M-J said...

I thought of you today as I tromped around throwing Freya the ball on a kinda sunny, windy, cold day (after doing 4hrs of back breaking yardwork for our La Maison sign on the road)...remember the daffodil pic I posted for you about this time last year? That one lonely flower? Well, the house is ours this year and it must be HAPPY b/c there are more then 50 daffodil shoots coming up!! As soon as some of them open I'll send you a new dedicated pic...you can't help but smile at a sunny, yellow flower! Gros bisous from a fellow mess, cold, unable to blog hibernator :)

Sue said...

Jen, are you doing ok? Maybe you will get some of the warm air we are suppose to get this weekend. My mom's crocuses and daffodils are starting to come up. My birthday is in March, so it can't be all that bad. Hang in there!

Margo said...

I understand, enjoy your bed and rest, and don't worry about blogging. We'll all be here when you get back, take your time and take care of yourself.

Suburbia said...

So sorry you are feeling like that.

Hullaballoo said...

Take care, I am still thinking about it. Get back to blogging when you have the space.

xx

Kristen Andrews said...

feel better! sorry I haven't visited in a while.

kccat said...

I like the thought of the flowing curtains, that sounds really nice. I hope you are well and will be back to being your creative self soon.