Finally Have My House Back

I did not blog last week really because...well...I barely wanted to breathe.  You see, our house has been in a state of disarray for about about two months now.  This was a combination of piles of stuff in the living room that was for a yard sale.  We were having a yard sale because we cleaned out the room we were using for storage because that room was getting finished to be used as a combo dining and 'Masterpiece Theatre' area.  Then, we also had been waiting for a fridge for a long time from Best Buy and then needed to be cut and sanded down, blah, blah, blah.

For me, it was a nightmare.  I have issues.  I know, who doesn't?  Unfortunately, my issues lead me to Crazytown when I can't get a handle on the condition of my home.  I tend to spiral off into rants that make no sense and lose all focus when my house is in the condition it was a few days ago.  Mostly, it is my husband who gets the brunt of it.  I don't need the house spotless (although that makes me very happy) I just need it tidy.  Last week there was a conspiracy against me.  Between the cluttered crap, the curtains being closed ALL the time to hide the crap and the fruit flies I started to seriously lose it. I remembered the feelings of anxiety and they frightened me.  The more I got scared, the worse I felt.  It was a big nasty circle.

Now, the yard sale (which I will write about later) took care of the crap in the living room, the kitchen is clean and free of (almost) all fruit flies, the fridge is in and working great.  I was finally able to make dinner in my kitchen without having to scrounge for counter space.   I have my house back and I feel so much better. 

The reason I am writing about this is because, looking back on how I felt and the way I handled it all tells me that I need to do somethings to help myself out.  I am not handling my anxiety/depression well and I think it's time I went back to someone to talk about it or get something medicinal to help me focus.  At times I feel like I am weak for needing this but then other times I see that at least I can recognize the warning signs rather than letting get as bad as it got several years ago.  This time I am choosing to get some help and it feels better.  Hopefully soon, I will get back to feeling really good...one step at a time. 

Getting my house in order in this case means not only my physical house but my mental one as well.

Best Laid Plans or What Do I Do Now?

I should just stop trying to plan more than a week ahead when it comes to life. Something always pops up and for some reason lately I have not been very good at adjusting to the flow...

ok

I have never been good at adjusting to the flow but I digress. It seems like lately every time I plan out my meals or exercise regime for more than a week, something happens to drastically screw everything up. Take this week for example, I was looking forward to getting back on track with my morning workouts. I had been fighting allergies/summer cold/crap for about 2 weeks. I get up out of bed on Monday morning and go out with the dogs for their walk and then my run. Dear sweet M-dog decides he wants to jump after another dog which leads me to falling down and rolling my ankle...it was not a small roll, I got the sickening pop you hear when you know you are in for a good deal of swelling. I was probably just about as far from my house as you can get on our normal route. I got up and limped home with the dogs and my ankle swelled to the point where it looked like I swallowed half a tennis ball and it ended up on my ankle.

So, no run, no elliptical no cardio really for me. I was able to at least walk the dogs this morning but it was obvious that I could not run or really do a lot of pressure on it. So this interrupts my long term plan of being in better shape before my vacation in a month. I know I still have a month but a couple pounds have popped up out of (almost) nowhere too and so I feel like I am losing a battle here.

I think the lesson here is that I need to be more flexible and more prepared to be flexible. I see the lesson in the syllabus but I don't see me learning it. Seriously, I am actually frowning as I am writing this, like a gumpy old man that needs to switch from rabbit ears to a digital converter box. How am I going to do this?

Climbing Out from Under the Bed

There are a lot of dust bunnies under the bed and I am tired of them stealing my food.



That's not the only reason I am back. I am back I think because I need to be. I have writing in short bursts here and there. I see the humor and the insight that I thought had left me so I decided that I'd better start flexing that muscle again if I am going to take my place back in the land of the living.



Ok, the fact that it is no longer an ice box in the office anymore and the fact that someone else is taking care of G-dog today so I can write quickly in the office also helps but that's not the point.



I need to start somewhere and I think that starting here is the key. More later...I promise this time. :)

Wishing for a Happy Post

Whew! I took a few days off. I hope you don't mind but between work and work and Thanksgiving, I took a bit of time to lounge about in bed with my addiction...books.

I needed to get lost in someone else's life for awhile because the stuff that has been happening here is really making it hard to make it through the day with out meds (remember I stopped those 6 months ago...rethinking that whole decision). Between the Kmart, WalMart and Mumbai violence I am really losing my faith in humanity. Then, I read an article today on CNN about a dog that was beaten with a hammer in an Atlanta park and left to die. It about pushed me over the edge.

Trying to focus on the positive is like when you are cooking spaghetti and you use a spoon to try to lift a couple noodles out to test it. They all fall off and you keep trying to get one and then when you finally do, you end up dropping it on the floor because it burned your mouth or your finger. It's so frustrating and then add the anger and sadness on top of that and you have a meltdown.

So far I have been able to avoid meltdowns only by fate. I will be close to the edge and then I'll see the story about the nanny that saved the toddler from the soldiers in Mumbai or I'll hear "Christmas Time is Here" from A Charlie Brown Christmas. What I find remarkable is how something so small as a song or even a few notes from a song can bring me back from the edge. Even this blog helps. As write, I see the pattern I fall into and even though I haven't figured out a way to fix it, I can at least see it. I guess that means I should be writing more instead of taking days off. ;)