I am not sure if I will even post this. It might be kinda boring to others but I needed to write about it while it was fresh in my mind.
Something very powerful happened to me today (9/11/08). I wrote a post about how I was very confused and how I needed to think about why. As I was driving home at lunchtime, I listened to Pierre Robert on WMMR our local rock station here in Philly. He was doing a tribute today of course. He played many first hand accounts and many of the songs and remixed songs that came out after 9/11. The all gave me goose bumps and took me back to 7 years ago today. It was then that I remembered something. Something powerful that happend to me about 12 hours before the plans struck.
I had a preminition. I know, you are saying that it is easy to tie that together now or even the day after but how do you know? If you had been me, at that time, at that moment, you would know. The night before 9/11/2001, P and I were at his place in bed...yes...in bed. All of a sudden, this horrible wave of emotion washed over me. It was evil, pure evil, I shuddered and yelled 'Stop!' I still don't know if I was telling P to stop or whatever I was feeling. We did stop and I sat up and put my head in my hands and cried. My intuition has always been good and I've dreamed of things before they've happened but I never felt like that before. I was terrified but it didn't last. The next day, the planes struck. One of the first things P said was, "Last night, what happend to you..." I didn't let him finish or talk about it.
After that, through the days of TV watching and learning more about what happened. I pushed away any thought of what I may have experienced. Today, I finally realized something...that is when I started blocking things out; emotions, disturbing thoughts, anything that might make me feel. I also stopped having that intuition. Over the next 2 yearsI got married, my father passed away and so many things happened good and bad and I don't think I ever got to experience them fully because of how I felt on 9/10 and 9/11.
In 2005, my mind, body and soul couldn't take it anymore and it broke down. At the time, I only attributed it to my fater's death and the fact that I really didn't mourn as much as I needed to (and also a crazy alcoholic boss). I didn't stop to think why the emotions were not getting in. All I knew was I was so lost, I couldn't even function.
Since 2005, I have been medicated (all praize Prozac!) and it has done me a world of good. I needed it. Recently I stopped taking it for a couple reasons, one of them good, one not. Later I'll get into it. I started to think about the emotions that I didn't have anymore and the intuition that I used to count on. I missed them. So I started to think about them more and more. Today (9/11/08) it just clicked. They stopped or eventually ground to a halt 7 years ago.
What do I do now? Well, I have this urge to meditate on it (but I am at work). I also don't want to loose this feeling of introspection. I smiled today, with my whole being. I also cried. It felt good! I never thought that I was affected this way by the events 7 years ago. I was definitely affected but I didn't know how badly. It has taken me a long time to get to this thought process. Now I just have to keep my mind open instead of closing it off to things that 'might' hurt because I miss the good stuff that way too.