Thursday, September 11, 2008

Revelation

I am not sure if I will even post this. It might be kinda boring to others but I needed to write about it while it was fresh in my mind.

Something very powerful happened to me today (9/11/08). I wrote a post about how I was very confused and how I needed to think about why. As I was driving home at lunchtime, I listened to Pierre Robert on WMMR our local rock station here in Philly. He was doing a tribute today of course. He played many first hand accounts and many of the songs and remixed songs that came out after 9/11. The all gave me goose bumps and took me back to 7 years ago today. It was then that I remembered something. Something powerful that happend to me about 12 hours before the plans struck.

I had a preminition. I know, you are saying that it is easy to tie that together now or even the day after but how do you know? If you had been me, at that time, at that moment, you would know. The night before 9/11/2001, P and I were at his place in bed...yes...in bed. All of a sudden, this horrible wave of emotion washed over me. It was evil, pure evil, I shuddered and yelled 'Stop!' I still don't know if I was telling P to stop or whatever I was feeling. We did stop and I sat up and put my head in my hands and cried. My intuition has always been good and I've dreamed of things before they've happened but I never felt like that before. I was terrified but it didn't last. The next day, the planes struck. One of the first things P said was, "Last night, what happend to you..." I didn't let him finish or talk about it.

After that, through the days of TV watching and learning more about what happened. I pushed away any thought of what I may have experienced. Today, I finally realized something...that is when I started blocking things out; emotions, disturbing thoughts, anything that might make me feel. I also stopped having that intuition. Over the next 2 yearsI got married, my father passed away and so many things happened good and bad and I don't think I ever got to experience them fully because of how I felt on 9/10 and 9/11.

In 2005, my mind, body and soul couldn't take it anymore and it broke down. At the time, I only attributed it to my fater's death and the fact that I really didn't mourn as much as I needed to (and also a crazy alcoholic boss). I didn't stop to think why the emotions were not getting in. All I knew was I was so lost, I couldn't even function.

Since 2005, I have been medicated (all praize Prozac!) and it has done me a world of good. I needed it. Recently I stopped taking it for a couple reasons, one of them good, one not. Later I'll get into it. I started to think about the emotions that I didn't have anymore and the intuition that I used to count on. I missed them. So I started to think about them more and more. Today (9/11/08) it just clicked. They stopped or eventually ground to a halt 7 years ago.

What do I do now? Well, I have this urge to meditate on it (but I am at work). I also don't want to loose this feeling of introspection. I smiled today, with my whole being. I also cried. It felt good! I never thought that I was affected this way by the events 7 years ago. I was definitely affected but I didn't know how badly. It has taken me a long time to get to this thought process. Now I just have to keep my mind open instead of closing it off to things that 'might' hurt because I miss the good stuff that way too.

15 comments:

Jen said...

That is very powerful.
I don't know what to say. I am sad and happy for you. I wish you luck on the journey to come back into your emotions and feelings. I hope you have help, b/c they sound pretty powerful.

Tami said...

Wow!!

I'm glad you figured out what was bugging you :) and thanks for sharing!

Mama Dawg said...

Oh, wow.

I sort of know what you're going through on that. I've kind of turned off my emotions since Katrina.

Live.Love.Eat said...

Wow is right. I am going to need to read that again tomorrow AM so I can say more than just wow. Unfortunately I have to go. It's 5pm!!!!!

asthmagirl said...

What a wonderful post. I think it's easy to push feelings to the side when we don't want to deal with them. Sometimes, we push more to the side than we think.

Thanks for sharing all this.

Sue said...

Jen, That certainly was a powerful post and not boring in the least bit! Good for you to have the break-through today and let it come to you instead of blocking it out. And more importantly trusting your bloggy nation to understand and support you, not think you were crazy.
The town of Harwich used to have a 9/11 ceremony at sundown every year for about 3 years. It was so lovely, but they stopped it because they wanted people to move on. I miss that service because at least it gave me a point in the day to stop and think about the amazing people the country lost that day.

Good luck with more revelations. I am sure your emotions will start showing themselves all the time now (which can be good, but sometimes a little scary). Count on blog world to help you through! Sue

Los said...

Wow - that's really heavy! I've had feelings of deja-vu before ... but I guess everyone has.

It was a tragic and sad day ... I'll never forget how scared, confused, and mad I was.

-Bridget said...

That is quite the insight. It must feel liberating to finally understand.

KathyLikesPink said...

If you decide to stop taking your medication, come off it slowly. My doctor said taking medication is like flying a plane, you need to go up gradually and come down gradually. An abrupt stop will be a big crash.

I know what you mean about feeling the highs and lows. Good luck with your decisions.

Lula! said...

Wow...you are brave. I appreciated reading this...honesty is refreshing & rare.

Snooty Primadona said...

I've always been a big believer in talking about whatever bothers me until I've absolutely beaten it to death. It's very cleansing and will re-open all those channels you've had closed up.

Welcome back to life and feelings!

Searching said...

I know exactly what you are going through.

I feel emotionally numb now. Disconnected.

It's all work, work, work....No me time...

My 'insights' have saved me from serious harm in the past.

I miss them.... and the feeling of connection with 'real' life...

My last was now over 7 years ago.

(I am in England - Europe so sorry if terms don't make sense).

I was driving down a motorway, doing 70 or nearer 80. Next it hit me that was going to be an accident and I had to slow down now, there was going to be red all over the road. I assumed this would be blood and was understandably a bit on the worried side. I've done first aid but was still scared for what I might find.
My heart was beating so hard, the adrenalin rush was huge, I was prepared and was now checking all the vehicles.
Suddenly a caravan being towed in front started to serve violently, then topple over, instantly blocking all 4 lanes.
This took all of 30 seconds from 'insight' to accident.
Fortunatley no other vehicles were involved and all traffic managed to stop in time.
I along with others helped the owners right the caravan and move it to the side of the road.
When I got back to my car I kept thinking where was the blood I turned round and there was definately no blood on the road (good + no injuries) but the red glass from the break lights was everywhere. There was the red.

Life is so much more exciting if we let it in.

Good Luck with re-plugging in your 'insight' wires...

Still Searching xxx

Heather said...

lots of luck to you!

: ) Heather

Suburbia said...

Wow.
It's fine to experience on an evan keel but to live in colour, well thats real living. But you need to be brave too.

only a movie said...

What a powerful revelation for you. It sometimes takes a long time to sort this stuff out. Good luck and thanks for sharing!