Deadliest Book Signing

Yes, I am a geek. No, I am not a redneck. I like Deadliest Catch. It just so happens that Sig, Andy and Jonathan were at a local bookstore for a book signing last night. I went with my Mom, had dinner and then stood at the back of a crowd during a Q&A with the guys. It was fun watching some people become offended at the occasional swearing and off color sexual reference. I just wanted to shake those people and say, "Do you watch the show? These guys do this all the time. They are fishermen. Did you expect them to censor themselves for your bratty kid who is crying because they are hungry?" That last hungry kid pissed me off so I had to mention it. That kid also told his mother to f*ck off so I don't know why she was so worried that these guys were cursing now and again. Anyway, I got my books signed and a pic with the guys. I would have tried something like conversation but there was a bookstore (nazi) employee that was getting all pissy for people taking too long in the signing line. I offered her a Xanax but she just looked at me with contempt. I did better with the other bookstore employee when I got the Flyers score off my crackberry for him and he let me get a better picture.

There were some real winners at this booksigning. I would probably do my karma serious harm if I actually posted the catty comments running through my head last night. Things like:

"Go home and brush your tooth."

"Sweetie, it's 2007 not 1987. Maybe those bangs need to come down and the acid wash needs to just go"

"Should you BE in the women's bathroom?"

"If your kid hits my purse one more time, I am showing him the sexuality section and giving him a picture book called "The Kama Sutra."

There were more but my allergy medicine is making me forget most of them. I'll post the pic of me and the guys when I get a chance to download it off my camera.

The Great Balloon Escape

...or why P was in B I G trouble on Saturday morning.

I had 1 job to do for this shower I was helping to host; get balloons for the front gate of the home where the shower was taking place. I ordered them Friday for 8:45am Saturday. I needed to be at the home at noon to help set things up etc. Considering that the shower was for my boss' wife (also my friend and boss P's best friend for too long to remember) I needed to be on time. Saturday morning was beautiful and I asked P if he would mind picking the balloons up for me so I could take G-dog on a longer than usual walk. He said that he would then started mumbling about maybe going to Lowes too in order to get the rest of the things we needed to finish the closet. He said that it probably wasn't a good idea because he really needed more than one person to help load and on load. So

Me: "Then don't do it now."
P: "But I am going all the way over there. I just need paneling and 2/4's."
Me: "So? It's not like you are going to do anything with the materials this weekend. Wait until tomorrow or next week. Just get some bagels and we'll have them when you get back."
P: Ok.

This is where I should have specifically made sure that he was JUST going to get the balloons and bagels but silly me wanted to get moving. So I take G-dog for about an hour and a half, come home, feed her, start the coffee and take a shower. Now, I was surprised that it was after 10am and P was still not home. It was about a 30 minute round trip but I needed to get ready so I left it at that. Then, 11am rolls around, no P. I call and P who is extremely pissed off and tells me that he DID, in fact, go to Lowes and it was a nightmare and he "Doesn't need this from me right now." and hangs up. Now P is not a hanger-upper, that's me. I found it odd and I am getting pretty angry at this point because he knows that I needed to be at the shower at noon.

11:30, P rolls up and starts chucking stuff out of the back of the SUV, I notice there is no paneling and only 6 balloons. I ask him where the balloons are, "They are gone." He says. Then I notice that there is no paneling on the top of the car. I am too mad at the fact that he made me really late, was selfish and blah, blah, blah to get into what exactly transpired during his excursion but by the time I left....P thought I might be staying at my Mom's the rest of the weekend. It was bad.

Turns out, not only did P wait in line at Lowes for like 30 minutes he also didn't tie the paneling down correctly on top of the car. When he left, at 25mph, it flew up and split in half before he even left the shopping center. He pulls over, throws that stuff off the top of the car (yes, leaving it there) and takes off...forgetting that the sunroof is still open so he can keep an eye on the paneling that is no longer there. Balloons are the sucked out of the sunroof and he managed to save 6.

Later on, when we were at dinner with the baby showeree, she asked P, why she only had 6 balloons. She had wanted more.

He he he. She's a good egg.

Back Pain is Annoying

When I lived in NC for college, I used to go deep sea fishing with my boyfriend at the time and our boss. The last time I went, I injured my neck while we were negotiating pretty deep swells. Ever since then, out of practically nowhere I will once again experience the same pain only more spread out. This is why I have not been posting. The act of sitting at my computer and moving a mouse around was excrutiating, as was the G-dog pulling on her leash when I needed to take her outside. I finally laid flat on the floor and tried to do a few yoga poses to see if I could work it out a little. Seemed to help but I can feel it creeping up from the right center of my back. Ugh.

Boring post I know. Just wanted to post something to avoid letting it go.

I am 35. Why Did I Mix Champagne and Hard Liquor?

I went to college and one of the things you learn there is what and how to drink alcohol. Most of the silly rhymes don't actually work, "Alcohol then beer, in the clear." Whatever. Anyway, I do know that mixing many different types of alcohol is a bad, bad, bad thing. So I am still trying to figure out what posessed me to begin my work "Team Night" out with 2 beers and then Red Bull and Champagne (don't worry, it was not 'good' champagne. I would not pollute good stuff with rocket fuel). What I do know is that by the time the limo arrived on Friday night to take us out for a fun night of good food and drinking, I was irritated with CPA's and clients and waiting around, drinking a lot sounded really, really good. I think that is what caused me to drink so flippin' fast...then mix stuff up. Also, I was not paying for anything so I ordered fun drinks at the martini bar...before dinner and good drinks during dinner. I was told this morning that I did an Irish Car Bomb at a bar I didn't even remember going to. Anyway, I made it home somehow and for my punishment I had the W O R S T hangover I have E V E R had on the nicest spring day we've had yet. That was pretty bad.
What is interesting is, this is not me. I am not usually out of control at all. I have control issues therefore I am usually the one flipping out about if 2 beers will affect my playing skills the next day. So, when I let go...I let goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. This happens maybe once a year since I stopped partying (see: got married five years ago). It takes me a week to get my system back on track: food all tastes weird (and I love my food), my head spazes out in headaches randomly, my stomach feels like a deflated balloon that got beat up in a really bad high school fight. Even knowing all that, I still had:
2 beers
3/4 bottle champs w/ Redbull
1 Dirty Shirley
1 Smarty Pants
3 Sangria type drinks at dinner (maybe more)
1 (at least) Irish Car Bomb

All in the span of probably 4 hours.

Did I learn my lesson this time? Don't quite know. Do I feel like I did? I sure did on Saturday.

Last night I was a little irritated that we had no wine for dinner.

Starting to Get the Hang of Being the One Without Kids

Not sure if I have written about this before. I could just check my meagre posts but since I am at the office and don't have a lot of time I'll say I didn't. P and I don't have kids. We are not even sure we are going to have kids, G-dog is difficult enough. (You mean we have to feed her EVERY day?! joke people!). I think we are at the point where litterally every couple we know (that lives in the continential US) either has kids or is pregnant. This is what I call "The Cheese Stands Alone" complex. You are fine with not having kids at the moment and ok with knowing you never might BUT you are at a considereable disadvantage when EVERYONE else can contribute to a conversation about say, potty training and you are there trying to think of anything that might be kind of relevant.
My old way of dealing with it was when people would talk about things their infants or babies did and I had nothting to say I would jokingly compare it to dealing with my husband on the same subject (like time out or no dessert). It did though, to me, get old after awhile.
Now when people talk about their kids and I compare it to a situation with my dog they look at me like I am insane. No, I don't think my dog is human but she is a responsibility and I do have to go home instead of going to happy hour to let her out and feed her. Jeez!
Now, I just realize I need to go with the flow. Last night I was at my bookclub and while there was a TON of kid talk, there was also other stuff. I felt like I could relate more than I had in the past though. Maybe the fact that kid talk around me all the time now has made me at least understand the language (kinda like being immursed in any culture). Maybe it's because these women are all intellegent and want to talk about more than one topic over dinner but also love their kids and want everyone to know about them (compliment, felt I needed to say that because it read weird). I am not sure. I do know that I am not sure if I have what it takes to have kids and I am really happy to know people that do. Or maybe it's becuase this was part of the conversation:

A: So I got a letter from F's teacher at school. Seems that while F was in the bathroom using the urinal one of the other boys came up and saw his penis and started telling other kids about how big it was. The teacher wrote me this insanely serious letter about it, like he had been abused or something. When you are a kindergarten teacher and you can't laugh at that, it's time to retire.
- as told by a teacher with 2 boys

S1: N needs a change but I don't want to wake him up. Maybe if I had some saran wrap I could just cover his carseat with it and change him when I get home.
S2: I bet the kitchen has saran wrap. That'll work.
-moms with 2 kids.

I love my bookclub...even though they all have kids. ;)

Team Night

My boss wrote this as an idea of what to do Friday for our team night out as none of us could agree on what to do. He IM-ed to me. I joked that I would put it on my blog...and here it is.

*Names have been altered to protect the guilty/innocent*

Ok, here's the deal. met at the office, off to Park around the corner for kegs stands and a round of dizzy bats, followed by pizza at Illiano's. Then sushi and shots at Spamps, then down to yunk so A can give a shout out to his peeps from his sweet ride, stop by the S estate for some half life / halo, whatever you call it, drink every time you get killed unless P killed you and it doesn't count - oh yeah, he wasn't invited, so he'd have to leave the house. next is keep away from g-dog. Anyone who gets caught has to drink. Then down town for cheesesteaks, grab some forty's and head to lemon hill where we reminisce about old times, crew, soccer and how cool we once were. A can spill more beer than W and I drink. We'll finish the night off with four bottle of boones

Starbucks Freak Out

So I am not in the best of moods on Saturday when I head to the SB on City Ave to drown my sorrows in a Peppermint White Mocha. We lost our game because people didn't bother showing up for the game and that JUST PISSES ME OFF. Anyway, point is I am not happy. I go to SB, order my drink and wait FOR-FLIPPIN'-EVER. It's not even busy. Anyway, I get to my car finally and look at my cup because it is not exactly the be PWM I have ever had and check the side for the secret code. There on the side (in addition to the correct secret code) is a little note that says "Smile - Jen". W H A T ! In the first place, I didn't tell anyone my name, in the second place you made me a bad drink, took forever with it and I have a right not to smile today! So I am driving, wondering who the flip I know in that SB. Who knows my name is Jen? I am now moving my drink in circles hoping that all the WM and Peppermint is at the bottom because they didn't stir it. Better but still not good enough for the $. Anyway, I am still contemplating who the hell knows me there when I realize...the person who was at the register's name was probably Jen and she wrote it on there either for me or for the barista (who sucked).

Or...someone knows me there and I don't know them...and they know my drink now. And they suck at making it.